Habits to Connect: make the move

You've probably heard of the knowing-doing gap: the gap between what we know and what we actually do. If it didn't exist, I'd have a fat pension and a stunning relationship with kale.

This is the story of how I fell into that gap on the subject of connection, and how I chatted my way back out of it.

When it came to connection, I knew the research. I had pored over the studies, first to write a stand-up show called Platonic Love in 2023, and later to build a comedic keynote focused on workplace connection. I had stood on stages, in rooms and on Zooms, telling people with real conviction that connection drives happiness, engagement and wellbeing. Spoiler: my central message was that the barriers to connection are often invisible and internal.

When I was looking for more opportunities to deliver the keynote, I posted about connection on LinkedIn a lot. People liked and commented, and occasionally someone reached out. After six months, though, I felt like I was shouting into the void.

One day I sat down with a friend and told her, a little coyly about my void shouting. She asked me one simple question: "Are you reaching out and chatting much to people individually?"

The irony hit me like a cartoon anvil. I was evangelising about connection - while feeling too shy, or maybe too proud, to do so in my professional life. My friend summed it up gently: "Yeah, well, that's your problem there. You're like a dietician who's stress eating McDonald's." Harsh, but vivid - and fair.

I spoke to other successful solo consultants, and they all said the same thing. Their work didn't come from a good reputation, an amazing offer or a beautifully designed website. It came from conversations that opened up other conversations, which eventually led to paid work somewhere down the line. Making the move was their number one business priority.

Even though ‘Make the Move’ was the first habit I recommended in my connection keynote - I realised - I was not making the move. I was the family values politician with a secret Grindr account. OK, maybe not that bad, but you get the point.

Thankfully, this isn't a unique failure. The science suggests it's a default human one - always good to hear.

The Science

In 2014, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder at the University of Chicago asked commuters on trains and buses to do one of three things: talk to the stranger next to them, sit in silence, or do whatever they normally would (for me, that's guessing where everyone is going.) People predicted that talking to a stranger would be awkward and unwelcome, and they were wrong. The people who chatted had a more positive journey than those who sat in solitude, and the people they spoke to enjoyed it too. Across nine experiments, in the field and in the lab, the pattern held.

Part of what keeps us quiet is the spotlight effect, which Thomas Gilovich and his colleagues at Cornell demonstrated by asking students to walk into a room wearing a Barry Manilow t-shirt. The wearers guessed that about half the room would notice. In reality, only about a quarter could say who was on the shirt. Nobody is watching us as closely as we think, because they are too busy watching themselves.

Then there is the liking gap, identified by Erica Boothby and her colleagues. After a conversation, people consistently underestimate how much the other person liked them. We replay the moment we trailed off or laughed too loudly, while the person across from us walks away thinking that was actually rather nice.

Vanessa Bohns at Cornell reviewed studies in which more than 14,000 strangers were approached with requests. The people doing the asking underestimated how many would say yes by an average of 48%. The main reason is that we focus on what we're asking of people, and forget how awkward most people find it to say no.

I knew all of this - I had cited all of this - but it took that conversation with a friend to actually integrate what I knew.

So What

There is a version of reaching out that's purely strategic, where you only get in touch because you sort of want something. In my experience, that feels gross - for both sides. But, there’s a version where the intention is to genuinely connect - and doing that as a habit feels good - regardless of the outcome.

If you're a manager, your team notices whether you get in touch first - and why. If you only reach out when you need something, then that's what reaching out comes to mean.

If you work for yourself and you want to be more creative - or drive more business - make the move to connect a habit. It may be the healthiest work habit you ever develop.