Are you a Mover, or a Shaker of Connection Responsibility?
Full disclosure — I used to be a shaker of the responsibility to reach out.
Not consciously, not out of arrogance or indifference. I just operated under the assumption that - when people wanted to see me or talk to me - they’d let me know! I was, without realising it, a passive participant in my own relationships.
It took a friend, a full Irish breakfast, and some uncomfortably honest feedback to snap me out of it. She'd been the one organising our hangouts — pretty much every single time, and she gently told me that I was going to ‘drop a tier’ in friendship if we didn’t remedy this. That conversation started something I've been exploring ever since: what actually builds connection, and why do so many of us quietly wait for someone else to make the first move?
I've gotten better. But I'm not done.
The Research: We Consistently Underestimate Each Other
In 2016, Cornell psychologist Vanessa Bohns published a review of over 14 studies involving more than 14,000 strangers. The headline finding: people underestimate compliance by 48%, on average.
Across a wide range of situations — borrowing a stranger's phone, asking for directions, requesting a charitable donation — participants consistently predicted that far fewer people would say yes than actually did. The gap was large, and it was consistent.
What makes the research particularly striking is why the gap exists. Requesters fixate on their own discomfort in asking. They don't adequately imagine how awkward it actually feels for the other person to say no. We overestimate the friction.
A parallel body of work by Epley & Schroeder (2014) adds another layer. Across 9 experiments, commuters who spoke with a stranger reported a more positive experience than those who sat in solitude — yet almost universally predicted the opposite before it happened. We don't just underestimate whether people will respond. We underestimate how good it'll feel when they do.
Your connections are yours to care for
If connection matters to you, the responsibility of initiating it can't live permanently on the other side of the relationship.
When you do make the move, people respond far better than you expect. The old colleague you haven't messaged in two years? Probably glad to hear from you. The voicenote you've been sitting on? It'll land better than you think. The podcast episode you keep meaning to forward? Send it.
The bar for reconnection is lower than we imagine. We hold back because we assume it'll be odd or inconvenient. It generally isn't.
Are You a Mover — or Do You Wait?
If the honest answer leans toward waiting, let this be your nudge. It’s not a challenge to overhaul how you show up in every relationship. Just a gentle push to make a few more reach outs than you habitually do.
The data says they'll be glad you did - and so will they.
Research: Bohns, V. K. (2016). (Mis)Understanding our influence over others: A review of the underestimation-of-compliance effect. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 11(4), 587–597. / Epley, N. & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980–1999.